You are Great Roommates, but Are You Soulmates?
By Duygu Balan LPCC
He walks the dog; you do the laundry. You share worldviews, have mutual friends, and your families approve. You rarely argue. You get along just fine. On paper, everything checks out. But, beneath the surface, something feels off – like you’re simply coexisting, going through the motions in a relationship that feels more prescribed than passionate.
You tell yourself that being head over heels for someone and maintaining a stable relationship is unrealistic – something out of a fairy tale. But is that really true?
Recognising this disconnect is the first step to reestablishing the spark in your relationship or deciding to go your separate ways.
- Intimacy feels like a chore
Intimacy has dwindled into something scheduled – a task to check off weekly or monthly, more obligation than desire.
You have stopped caring about your appearance, and your partner seems indifferent, too. Pet names and terms of endearment have faded. Flirtation is nonexistent. Passion feels like a distant memory.
Maybe you now sleep apart, in separate beds, and maybe that's justified by valid reasons – snoring, mismatched schedules – but the emotional distance is still undeniable.
Physical affection has become routine and lacks meaning. Cuddling, kissing, and hugging are rare, if they happen at all. When intimacy does occur, it feels mechanical, transactional – something done out of habit rather than connection.
- You feel alone in the relationship
Even when you’re sitting next to each other, sharing a meal, or occupying the same space, loneliness lingers. Despite being together, you feel profoundly alone.
A feeling of isolation and loneliness permeates the relationship, yet you hesitate to bring it up – afraid your partner will feel attacked or unable to offer the reassurance you need.
You see your partner as emotionally unavailable. Opening up feels exhausting, if not impossible.
Your lives have drifted into parallel tracks. You rarely share activities, have separate hobbies and social circles, and are not up to date on one another’s day-to-day routines. The unspoken rule is "You do you" – but it doesn’t feel freeing. It feels like you’re merely coexisting rather than navigating life as a couple.
- Conversations are mostly about logistics
It feels easy to keep conversations light, discussing daily logistics, household chores, schedules, and responsibilities. But when it comes to deeper, more intimate discussions – ones that require vulnerability and emotional openness – it feels difficult, if not impossible. You often feel unseen by your partner, hesitant to share your dreams and aspirations, unsure if they would truly listen or care.
Avoiding arguments may seem like the path of least resistance, but it only deepens the disconnect. Unspoken concerns create more distance, making it seem as though neither of you is fully invested in the relationship.
You find yourself resorting to phrases like "Whatever" or "I don’t care" to sidestep conflict. You avoid difficult conversations, fearing your partner will dismiss your feelings. At the same time, you’re starting to notice that they, too, are withholding things from you. Instead of turning to each other for support, you both confide in friends or family.
What you can do
Recognizing that your relationship lacks a deeper, soulful connection can be painful, but it’s an important step in understanding these patterns and moving forward to healing – whether that means repairing your emotional bond or parting ways so you can each embark on your own journeys.
Having an open, honest conversation will allow you to assess whether revitalising your connection with your partner is possible. Expressing your concerns and your feelings without blaming and attacking your partner will make it possible for them to hear you without getting defensive. A nonconfrontational discussion also creates space for you to listen to their perspective with an open mind – it is crucial for maintaining balance.
In a secure, healthy relationship, partners are able to listen attentively, validate each other’s emotions, and extend empathy rather than retreating to silence.
If these conversations feel overwhelming, seeking support from a couple’s counsellor can be invaluable. A trained professional can help guide you through difficult conversations in a safe, structured, and supportive environment.
Remember: Many couples go through difficult times in their relationship where other priorities take precedence and interfere with their connection. However, when both partners are invested in their relationship and committed to putting energy into it, they often emerge stronger, rediscovering intimacy, and connection.
When to seek help
If you or someone you love is experiencing symptoms of depression, consider contacting MyOxfordCounsellor to discuss your needs for your counselling sessions.